Natalie Portman, Oscar nominated and Harvard educated actress, lets it all out gangsta style!

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Funny excerpt from a book by this year's Oscar host Jon Stewart ("Naked Pictures of Famous People", p.99-105) :

The Recipe

The following recipe comfortably serves three to four thousand with room for a television viewing audience. For smaller events cut the production number and halve the presenters.

START WITH:

ONE VIBRANT, ELABORATELY COSTUMED DANCE NUMBER SET TO A MEDLEY OF POPULAR HITS. AS MUSIC SWELLS TO A CRESCENDO BRING THE DANCING TO AN ABRUPT CLIMAX. END MUSIC. ADD AUDIENCE APPLAUSE AND BOOMING INTRODUCTION OF THE WELL-RESPECTED, ACERBIC HOST. PLAY HOST'S SIGNATURE THEME SONG. CONTINUE APPLAUSE. CROSS HOST TO PODIUM. END MUSIC AND APPLAUSE.

HOST: General greetings and a query as to the audience's well-being. Affirmation of audience's well-being. Statement of own well-being. Survey of surroundings. Improvised analogy comparing surroundings to different surroundings. Sarcastic jab at expected length of proceedings.

PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER.

HOST: Confusion about actions of government officials. Statement of proposed personal action if given opportunity to govern.

PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER. IF LAUGHTER IS NOT FORTHCOMING:

HOST: Recognition of power and ability among audience. Statement of fear over possible consequences failure to entertain said powers would entail.

IF LAUGHTER IS FORTHCOMING:

HOST: Query as to audience's familiarity with behavior of recently disgraced cultural icon. Incredulity and displeasure at said behavior. Command for icon to discontinue behavior. Statement of new product created as a result of icon's behavior.

PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER.

HOST: Praise of audience for responsiveness and sense of humor. Query as to their readiness for program's continuation. Introduction of two participants who will begin process of bestowing honors: an unattractive, humorous male renowned for his portrayal of other unattractive, humorous males, and a female of great physical beauty who has achieved fame for her skill in walking while wearing newly designed expensive clothing.

ADD MUSIC AND APPLAUSE AS HOST LEAVES STAGE. BRING HUMOROUS MAN AND BEAUTIFUL WOMAN TO PODIUM. STOP APPLAUSE AND MUSIC.

MAN: (To woman) Compliment concerning sexual attractiveness.

WOMAN: (Stilted, as though reading aloud) Acceptance and return of compliment.

MAN: Lurid sexual innuendo. Winking proposition with broad physical gesturing.

WOMAN: (Stilted, as though reading aloud) Unusually intelligent rebuke of said proposition.

MAN: Surprise at intelligence of rebuke. Feigned lack of disappointment at rebuke. Conceited statement of missed sexual opportunity for the woman, again with broad physical gesturing.

PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER AMONG AUDIENCE AND PRESENTERS.

WOMAN: Query as to the identity of author of previously read statements and indictment of their ability. List of possible honorees.

STAND MAN AND WOMAN ASIDE. SHOW EACH POSSIBLE HONOREE PERFORMING THE TASK FOR WHICH THEY ARE TO BE HONORED. SHOW ALL PRESENT POSSIBLE HONOREES IN THE AUDIENCE WAITING FOR THE RESULT OF THEIR EFFORT.

MAN: (Opening a sealed correspondence) Announcement of the one true honoree.

GREAT REJOICING AMONG THE BELIEVERS IN THE VERDICT. REFLECTION AND BITTER QUESTIONING AMONG THE OTHERS. BRING THE HONORED ONE TO THE STAGE TO BE LAUDED. A FEMALE OF SURGICALLY ENHANCED SEXUAL ATTRACTIVENESS HANDS A TOTEM OF ACHIEVEMENT TO THE HONOREE, WHO GRASPS IT WITH GREAT REVERENCE. AUDIENCE APPLAUSE.

HONOREE: Breathless surprise. Self-effacing remark concerning previous outcomes of similar events. Feigned lack of preparation. Expression of gratitude for inventors of the totem as well as constituents of totem. Expression of gratitude for believers in verdict. Expression of gratitude for members of blood lineage and Supreme Exalted Being. Expression of gratitude for creators of shown task. Expression of regret concerning those who have not received expressions of gratitude. Statement of nonharmful intent for those who have not received gratitude. Plea for group subjected to persecution to no longer be subject to said persecution.

SWELL MUSIC.

HONOREE: Regret at musical interruption and self-criticism at lack of organizational and communication skills. Sudden remembrance of those still in need of expressions of gratitude.

DIM MUSIC SLIGHTLY.

HONOREE: Fear of further recrimination if closing remarks are not forthcoming. Hurried expression of love for those present, viewing or being.

SWELL MUSIC. AUDIENCE APPLAUSE. HONOREE IS ESCORTED AWAY BY PRESENTERS WHILE DISPLAYING TOTEM TO THE AUDIENCE. HOST APPEARS.

HOST: Perceptive remark concerning unexpected length and emotional tenor of honoree's presentation. Example of previous presentation famous for such characteristics.

PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER.

HOST: Introduction of corpulent woman, well known for recognizing and satirizing her physical condition, and an adolescent known for contracting a fatal illness.

REPEAT AS NECESSARY.

Editor's note: This ancient recipe was found in 1982 by archeologists on a Peruvian dig, outside the fabled Mayan city of Atachupulay...ay. It is but one of the many startling discoveries included in a new work by Erich Van Daniken entitled Weird, Huh? continuing his exhaustive efforts to prove the existence of alien visitations. This recipe, translated from its original Mayan glyph in 1985 by a really smart lady, was printed on parchment that dates back four thousand years. The parchment is made from the intestines of rare Andes mountain goats and although it was not dated scientifically, the feeling within the scientific community was, you had to be very primitive to still be writing on the guts and shit inside of a goat. Originally thought to be a recipe for using the rest of the goat, it soon turned out to be a more important find. The recipe details all the necessary ingredients of a successful entertainment industry awards show -- a full three to four thousand years before the existence of entertainment! Could the Mayans, a tribe that had only barely mastered the use of a sundial, have predicted this phenomenon... or did visitors arrive from the heavens bearing knowledge of an advanced civilization? Perhaps the truth will never be known.